Clean bumholes are fantastic. Really, I’m quite the fan.
However, as with most things, sometimes you really can get too much of a good thing.
Our office is in a centre where we have to, unfortunately, share bathrooms with other companies.
Every other day you get to pee next to the weird guy from the IT firm around the corner. A clear and simple “Hi!” suffices as far as conversation goes. More recently though, we’ve gotten to know one of these guys a little too well.
Earlier today, while sitting in one of the toilet stalls, my cubicle-neighbour and I had sync’d our releases perfectly. There I was, having just dropped the kids, and had my standard 1-2 wipes. This guy, however, was clearly on a mission to win.
Now, in my mind, nought-cleaning takes between 1 to 3 wipes, depending on the consistency of your movement. The guy next to me, it seems, is an obvious advocate of a clean cornhole. After our turd-duet, he wiped his chocolate starfish once. Then twice. Once he’d delivered his third wipe, I’d assumed he was done. But, just then, I heard the most aggressive wiping pace I’d ever encountered in a bathroom stall. If he was on Survivor, he’d be the guy they’d get to start the fire with two dry twigs … and an hour to spare. The wiping went on for about 15 consecutive seconds.
Activity: Count 15 seconds. It’s a long time to consistently wipe one’s cinnamon-ring.
I stated then and there that this dude is without a doubt the protector of the polished-poop-shoot. (And obviously not scared of ‘roids.)
When I relayed the story to the entire office, Trev said “Yup, that’s The Polisher!”
His identity is still unknown. For now.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you’re a polisher, don’t. Here’s how you should wipe.