Dear lady event organiser,
To start, when someone says they’d be honoured to include me as a guest speaker, I wet my pants. The good kind of way. You certainly know how to get a guy’s attention!
I refer to your email dated 24 October 2013 (last Thursday).
Dear Mr. Don Packett
I trust this email finds you well. I am writing to formally invite you to be join us as a guest speaker at the (event name removed) that will be taking place from the 29-30 October 2013 at the Sandton Convention Centre in Johannesburg, South Africa. I have attached an official invitation as well as the conference agenda for your referral.
Formally invited as a guest speaker? Snazzy!
I perused the agenda, and saw that the two potential time-slots you offered me were, in fact, taken by two other speakers. Now, I’m sure you realised that they were far inferior to what my talents would bring to your fantastical event, and decided to get rid of them to make space for me, I just hope you let them down gently. If it will help, I can totally go over to their houses, where they’re likely to be weeping into their pillows, and give them a big hug to make them feel better. I’m all about the goodness here. Really.
The one thing that was missing from your very complimentary email, however, was the speaker fee. “A minor error” I thought to myself. If attendees are all paying over R8,000, each, to attend, surely your formally invited guest speakers would be paid for their professional contribution to the event? I refer to my reply to your most graceful email:
Hi (lady name),
Thanks very much for the invite.
I can’t find any rates or costings for speakers in the documentation. My standard speaker rate is (cost here).
Please let me know if I can send through a formal quotation.
Thanks so much.
Now, I understand you probably have a few things going on right now, so I understand if you couldn’t reply right away. I had a girlfriend who was basically catatonic whenever it was that time of the month. You couldn’t get her out of bed at all! I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I hear her monthly heroine binge has now changed to bi-monthly. Go Tracy!
I’m no expert (even though you refer to me as such, thank you again, you little flirt), but if I could give you a little piece of advice, I’d say not replying to emails is a bad way of dealing with these things. If I were you, I’d get right onto your little laptop computer and get typing, missy! Nothing says “If you believe it, you can achieve it” like a good old-fashioned reply to an email. It’s Step 1 in the 12-step process I’m told. You can do it, sport!
If it’s about the money, oh heck, I’ll do it for free! Freedom of speech really means I’ll speak at any event for free, right? Right? Especially the events where people actually pay to be there. You have an excellent business model, oh wise one. I’ll just get my wife to walk around with the fancy pool-net like they do in church. I know, smaaaaaaaaaart!
In the meantime, my wife and I are sitting outside the Sandton Convention Centre waiting for your reply. I realise the Day 1 slot (yesterday) that you had solely reserved for me was obviously a nightmare to control. I hope you apologised to the attendees for my absence, and offered at least a free lunch and 4GB USB stick to appease the stampeding mob.
I have, smartly, booked out the time-slot you had allocated for me for Day 2 of the event (which is in about 2 hours’ time), as well as 2 hours on either side of it, just in case your email got stuck somewhere in the cyberwebs and is on it’s merry little way. I’d hate to disappoint the crowds again. One can only imagine the trauma you must have gone through yesterday. Once, I forgot to feed my neighbour’s cat when they went on holiday. The once was on the day they left, and after 2 weeks when I finally remembered to go over, the little thing was so angry he was as stiff as a board! I tried to feed him but he just stayed put. Stubborn little bugger. He must’ve been really steadfast in his protest against me, because it smelled like he hadn’t bathed himself in days. Ah, to be young and care-free again.
Once again, thank you for considering me for the position. As you’d mentioned in your formal invitation: “I hope very much to have the honour of including you as an expert speaker at this important industry leading event”, I truly hope to have the honour, myself, of being included as an expert guest speaker at your important industry leading event. When you reply to my email, of course.
Yours in pressing Send/Receive repeatedly,
Don Packett Esq.